Wise words about dentistry, explained in a user friendly easy way so's not to confuse anyone who has any doubts about the whole dentistry ' thang'.(ie thing) coz it needn't be painful and can improve the way you look! Yes!

Hello there. Most of us have teeth. Unless you're a worm reading this. Worms don't have teeth. And can't read either. So it's unlikely you'd be a worm. Or an amoeba. So I suspect you've got teeth. So ready your shell-like to cop an earful. This is interesting stuff. Well I find it so.

Since we were ankle biters, ie kids, we all focus dentally on 'holes'. Or 'cavities' in our teeth. Yes we do. We can't help it. Holes appear in our teeth and we poke about in them with our tongues. And get little abcesses on our tongues through poking about in them. They can really irritate us, can't they. I know they do me. 'Cavities' (Latin name 'cavitia carttartis toothae') are in fact the destruction of toothy integrity created by 'plaque', which is not something you hang on the wall to commemorate someone, but yeucchy food and nasty horrid bacteria left on your teeth by being crap at brushing (Brush brush brush!) or cleaning or flossing (Floss floss floss!) looking after your teeth viz dental hygiene.

And it's all the fault of sugar. That is the reason for it. Yes. Bastrad sugar! Look at modern grub. There is too much shitty sugar, ie sugar that is refined. Not your natural stuff. You would think that 'refined' would mean 'classy'. But it doesn't. It means we get 'cattivia cartartis'!

But fret not! Hope we haven't scared you! 'Cattiviae carterootis' is not as frequent as it used to be as we've got it sussed! We're better than we were at being dentists and recommend better dental hygiene' and add flourine to the water and other shit and make better dentures when your teeth do fall out! Hurrah!

But the evil turd is in fact Gum disease. Or perrydonnytituskeebabus

So here's a bit about perreedonneetitusakebabus (originally piarroea)

Most tooth taking out (extraction) is caused by plaque which causes perreedontitdetritus which starts off as that well known thing 'ginger-vitus' (come on you've heard of that haven't you? Mostly ginger haired people get it and pass it on through kissing) which is usually detected by having swollen gums or pus in your urine. If you don't bother to treat it and would rather go down the pub, your teeth can fall out. So treat it.

Hallytososis (bad breath) The Latin name is 'aspiratus mingus'.

We all get this. Especially if we've been to the Indian Restaurant and had a couple of Nan and a Vindaloo. Don't get it. Your bird can get fed up and go off with someone else. Mind you if she gets it, dump her immediately. Bad breath is a germ that is caught from sexual intercourse with dirty people. So make sure their hygiene is good and you won't get hairytoastis. If anyone tells you that it's linked to diabetes, they're lying. It's true that rubbish oral hygiene may cause fetid exhalations as in 'Phworr your breath smells like pooh' from a friend. If this is the case it's down to our old chum Barry Acteria on the tongue. Here's a way of dealing with it. Get a knife and scrape that yellow mucus off the tongue. Don't cut your tongue off! You won't be able to speak! Then gargle a bit with something like peppermint tea and all will be vaguely reasonable in the breath department. But trust me. It's mostly down to oral sex and sexual intercourse. So be careful with that sort of stuff, enjoyable tho it may be.

If your teeth do fall out coz you've been a total pillock as regards looking after them, there's always sticking new ones in with glue! Yes. We have a variety of adhesives to use and implement and if they're smelly all the better as you can get high while having a new inc-high-sor! And you needn't be in pain as we inject you with one of those huge needled injector thingies that numb everything and don't allow you to drink fluids without them falling out of your mouth all over your jacket (ha ha. Just joking. That's only in extreme cases. No our gum freezing techniques are fabbo. Possibly a bit painful tho but I'm not supposed to admit that. Let it be our secret.)

If you've been a lifelong smoker or chewer of beetlejuice we can always bleach your toothypegs white as snow with our bleaches which sting at first but you get used to it (or not) and the results are perfect!

We can verneer teeth as well with porcelain! Yup you get to be like china! This is good when your teeth are really rubbish. But don't get hit in the mouth! It's fucking expensive to replace them.

Visit your chiropodist. You know it makes sense. As does eating cheese
DK

Ps
National Smile Week is to be expanded into National Smile Month in celebration of its 30th anniversary this year. Taking place between 14 May and 13 June, National Smile Month is the biggest annual oral health campaign in the UK.

The Molars recommend the following toothbrushes. Oral B, Butler, Colgate, Crest, Chrysler, Wisdom, Blair, Eiffel, Tower, Bridge, Rooney, Lampard, Macleans.